Picking Up The Pieces
by stillskies
Summary: [Complete, Oneshot] Seishiro contemplates life, death, and the Bet as he stands before Subaru on Rainbow Bridge. SuxSei


AN: This is my second attempt at the X/1999 fandom… Again, it's another one-shot, but hopefully you'll enjoy it! This is shounen-ai, which means boy/boy. You don't like it? Don't read it. :grin: Also, I don't own Seishiro or Subaru. The wonderful ladies of CLAMP do. If I did… Well, let's just say things would have turned out a bit differently.

**Picking Up The Pieces**

It's an interesting feeling. Especially for one whose never felt it before. Guilt. Regret. Sadness. Emotions do not come easily to those in my profession. It tends to get in the way of the job.

The Sakurazukamori cannot afford to get emotionally involved with its prey. The Sakura tends to frown upon it. Although it did allow me one exception: Sumeragi Subaru. It allowed me to make a bet with the young Sumeragi Head, one that it was sure that I would win. One that I was expected to fulfill the next time we met.

I had thought it would be fun to give it a one-year time limit. He had one year to make me feel something other than the darkness that had enveloped my soul. Secretly, a part of me was hoping to lose. I had always taken my fate in stride, never once regretting taking the mantle from my mother, but when I had seen the young Sumeragi, I felt something that I didn't understand stir. I wanted that feeling to continue, and so I laid out the terms of our bet.

Of course, the wind had carried away the stipulations, but it was of no concern to me. He could have easily recalled my words by concentrating on the wind. Words carried on the wind are forever carried. If I concentrated hard enough, even now, I would still hear those words, but unfortunately, Subaru-kun obviously thought it unimportant.

I had watched him covertly through the years, making sure to always stay out of sight. He was never once alerted to my presence, for if he was, then the Bet would begin, and I was not ready for that. I wanted to watch him for just a little longer.

The Tree had been becoming impatient, even though I fed it daily. Perhaps I was feeding it more than I should have, but in all honesty, it meant nothing to me. Each kill was just an ends to a means. I felt nothing. Every bone I snapped or every drop of blood I spilt… To me, it was like breaking a glass or spilling juice. None of them put up much of a struggle, just seemingly accepting their deaths. I longed for a worthy kill.

It was then that I knew I couldn't stall any longer. I had to put the Bet in motion. I knew that the only worthy adversary was Sumeragi Subaru.

It wasn't hard to find him. I only had to find the perfect opportunity to introduce myself to him, and then it would start.

I truly wasn't counting on feeling anything. The small hope that had burned in me the night of the Bet had been extinguished. Now, I was just writing off the feeling in my heart as a fluke at the time. There had been no way that I, the Sakurazukamori, could truly feel anything.

And then I had begun to get closer to the Sumeragi twins, Subaru and Hokuto. I knew that I would need a reason to be with them so much, so I concocted the story of falling in love with Subaru, and fed it to Hokuto. The elder twin had just smiled, telling me that she already knew.

It had caused me to pause for a moment. Surely there was no way that she knew about the Bet when Subaru himself didn't, and I know that I hadn't been hinting to Subaru that I held any emotions for him whatsoever. What Hokuto thought she knew could have nothing to do with me, or so I had told myself at the time.

Looking back at it now, I could see that from the moment I introduced myself to him, my personality had changed. I was very careful not to upset him, and I'll admit that I tried to touch him as much as possible. At the time, though, I hadn't noticed, but Hokuto had, and she had seen that I would lose the Bet before it had truly begun.

Whatever I felt for the twins, I always pushed it aside, telling myself that it was a fluke. It wasn't until I jumped in between Yuya-kun's mother and Subaru, that I truly realized that I lost the bet. I felt something for Subaru, but I didn't know what it was.

I spent the majority of my time in the hospital after the accident wondering how Subaru was, and it did nothing but irritate me. I wasn't supposed to care. After all I was going to kill him. The more I thought about Subaru and how I was going to kill him, the emptier I began to feel.

It made no sense. I was winning the bet, or so I kept telling myself. After all, the Sakurazukamori felt nothing for no one. For as long as I could remember, I felt nothing. Not even when I killed my mother and assumed the mantle of the Guardian of the Sakura Blossom. If I were to feel something, I would think it would be for the demise of the woman who brought me into this world.

It had been during my musings that Subaru entered. I could tell that he had something he wanted to tell me, but I knew it was far past time to call off the Bet and collect my reward. The more time I spent with them, with him, the closer I was to losing the Bet, and I couldn't do that. It would destroy everything that I was, everything that I had worked so hard to become, so I destroyed the illusions.

I told him the truth, and the shock, the hurt, the disbelief on his face only served to fill me with a grim satisfaction. He would hurt before his death. He would hurt for what he'd almost done to me, and I would take pleasure in it.

I said things to him, explained things to him that perhaps I shouldn't have explained. I allowed him a glimpse into my thoughts, even though I knew it would hurt him more. With every word I spoke, I watched his eyes get dimmer and dimmer, until there was no spark, only the glistening of his tears. And still I felt nothing.

I didn't kill him. His obaa-sama helped him before I could end it. It pained me to have lost the chance, because deep inside, I knew that my desire to kill him would change. Something my mother had said in her death throes had always echoed in my mind, but it wasn't until much later that I understood. She had said that _'the person you love most will be the one to kill you.'_

I disappeared. I needed time to think. I had convinced myself that the farther away that I was from Subaru, the better I'd be able to plot his demise. In truth, I needed to get away from him in order to save myself. I refused to allow something to become special to me.

Hokuto found me. I had been out of their life for a little over a month, and I had not honestly expected her to come for me. If anyone were to come after me, I had expected it to be Subaru, but the Sumeragi twins were always surprising me.

She had come to keep me from killing Subaru. I should have known, but I was still slightly shocked. She was offering me her life in forfeit for her brother's. I had never been able to deny Hokuto anything, and it had not been part of the charade that I had played with them for the year. There had been something about the older Sumeragi that had me catering to her every whim. Her final request had been something that I could not deny her, even though I wanted to.

She asked me to kill her, and in return she would curse me. She even told me the specifics of the curse, as if she hoped that I wouldn't invoke. I killed her, and as her blood drenched my hand and she fell, she forgave me. She told me that I deserved love, and she died.

It was then that I truly felt the weight of death. She wasn't a nameless face that I killed in sacrifice to the Sakura. I knew her. I spent a year with her. She was never intended to be my prey, but she sacrificed herself for her brother, whom she loved. Whom I had intended to kill.

I did not cry. I lifted her body, mask in place, and brought her body to a place where I knew she would be quickly found by the Sumeragi clan. I waited, hidden in shadows, until her body was found, and her obaa-sama was called. I watched as her body was carried away. It wasn't until she was out of sight that I left.

I had never felt grief or sadness or regret. It was Hokuto-chan who made me feel those things. I had the stirrings of regret in my heart when I disillusioned Subaru, but what I felt about Hokuto's death was purer.

Never once had I thought of how death affected people. The people I killed meant no more to me than a broken doll. Their lives were meaningless, serving only one use: to feed the Sakura. For the first time, I truly thought about how her death would affect those who knew her. I saw Subaru's face in my mind, tear stained, eyes so dead that not even a bright light would give color to them. For the first time in my life, I felt ashamed.

I attended her funeral, hidden from sight. Subaru stood alone, away from his family and Hokuto's friends. He was dressed in a black suit that she had made him, but for the first time, he wasn't wearing gloves. His hands were whiter than the rest of him, and I couldn't help but be entranced at the sight.

Hokuto's body was on the funeral pyre, her corpse dressed in one of her outfits. I dimly recognized it as the dress that was the match to Subaru's suit. She had always made the two of them matching outfits, and occasionally, she would make some for me. It just so happened that she had made me a matching outfit for the dress that they had clothed her in. I was wearing the suit that matched the dress, the suit that matched Subaru's suit.

Suddenly, I noticed Subaru staring right at me. I only nodded before returning my eyes to the funeral pyre. Somehow, I knew that he had picked out her outfit, and that he had known I would be here. I don't know how, not even to this day. Maybe he knew me better than I had thought.

Subaru hunted me religiously after that. Sometimes he almost caught me, and sometimes I almost let him catch me. I never did though. I had to stall him to get to this moment.

He always knew he was a Dragon of Heaven, and I always knew that I was a Dragon of Earth. I knew that if I were to let him kill me, then I wanted to do as much damage as possible.

Now he's standing in front of me, and I can see the memories flashing in his eyes as they've just flashed in my mind. I know that his wish is to be killed by me, and that my wish is to be killed by him.

Only one of our wishes will be granted, and I have the advantage. I have Hokuto's curse. The very thing which she gave her life so that she could protect Subaru, and I would use it to ensure my wish, and to fulfill her wish. I will leave him to pick up the pieces of his heart, to deal with my death just as he had to deal with Hokuto's.

I know it's not fair for him, but this way, he can move on with his life, and her death can be avenged. It's the only outcome possible, and he is strong enough to move past it. I know he can. And if he can't, I'll be waiting for him, with Hokuto-chan, for him to free himself and come to us in death.

----…----…----…----…----

End

AN: Another angsty one-shot. Oh well… Out of character for Sei-chan, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone, and I swear, he led me down this path. He's one sadistic muse. One day, maybe I'll write a happy one :shudder: Happy. Subaru and Seishiro…. Same sentence… :shudder: If only… Well, reviewers are loved!


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